D#CKS

Top 5 Longboards That Look Like Marital Aids, In Animated GIF Form

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D#CKS

 

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Anyone who’s shaped skateboards knows the feeling. You draw out a totally sick, functional shape on paper and spend hours meticulously tracing it onto a blank and cutting it out perfectly. Then, once it’s all sanded, finished, gripped and mounted up, it hits you: this shape totally looks like a dick. It happens to the best of us, and it’s been happening for decades.

And so, with tongue planted firmly in cheek, here they are: the 5 most phallic downhill board shapes and the sex toys they resemble.

#1: The Fullbag Patrick Switzer Elise

PSwissElise

Designed by world champion skateboarder and sometime video producer, Patrick Switzer Fullbag Elise model bears a striking resemblance to the Vixen Creations “Tristan” plug. Both are designed with a rounded front end, a narrow middle and a flared base to lock into the user for comfortable long-term use, though skaters should beware of the Elise’s unforgivingly sharp corners.

#2: TuTone Megalodon

TuToneMegalodon

The TuTone Megalodon keeps it simple, functional and classic with a basic shape that should appeal to any rider, much like this slimline vibrator. (Unfortunately, we couldn’t find a high quality photo of the Megalodon.)

#3: Landyachtz Wolf Shark 2012

WolfShark

 

With groundbreaking new molding and all kinds of extra features, the Wolf Shark ushered in a new era of rockered, micro-dropped topmount speedboards for downhill and freeriding. Much like the Wolf Shark, the Fun Factory Spring Click ‘n’ Charge operates at multiple speeds and features a colorfully discreet design.

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#4: Five Mile F-18

FiveMileF18Hornet

 

Molded for easy control and frequent use, both the Five Mile F-18 hornet and the California Exotics Easy Touch Wand are ideal for long term pleasure.

#5: Holesom Sex Kitten

HolesomSexKitten

 

I’m not gonna lie: I picked this one mostly for the name. It does look like a Tantus B-Bomb, though, and I couldn’t pass up on the opportunity to include Holesom in the goofy sex-toy article.

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  1. Ellis Chase-Pinkney

    I tend to think they look more like outrageous fantasy knives most of the time, but youre on to something.


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