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Jasper Ohlson is a classic example of #13. Photo: Justus Zimmerly

1. The Photographer. He’s all over the damn course, lugging around a bunch of expensive-looking gear and getting sick shots of you that you’ll probably never see.

2. The Amateur Filmer got a GoPro or a DSLR for his birthday, one of the sick new ones that interfaces with your phone, cleans up skin blemishes and makes your girl’s boobs look big. Naturally, he’s gonna bring it out to a skate event and play with it all day instead of actually watching the skating. The seven minute Youtube edit will be posted on every pro’s Facebook page and get 200 views. He will be stoked.

3. The Pro Filmer is skating circles around the best skaters while holding a $2,000 camera. You wish you had his gear and his skills.

4. The Insta-poacher is standing next to the photographers, poaching their angles and getting hella likes. #bitchin

5. The Foreigner only knows six words in English, three of which are variations of “gnar,” but he can still bro down. If all else fails, he’ll just get up and skate.

6. Drunk Guy is pretty good at skating and the board’s in the car, but fuck it: this hill sucks and slide jams are boring anyway. Hand him another beer. It’s 12 noon somewhere.

7. Perpetually Injured Guy was at the last event with a tweaked ankle. This time, he’s got a bunch of road rash and a hipper. Next week, he’ll have a sprained wrist. He’s just stoked to hang out.

8. The Cool Guy Pro had his sponsors fly him out to skate in the event, but he doesn’t feel like skating so he’s going to stand around and look cool all day instead. Whatever, who needs to perform in public when you’ve 5,000 Instagram followers and a 200′ barefoot, no-gloves stand up slide to film next week. Might as well play with your phone the whole time.


Kody Noble proving that he is not #8, but just might be #9. Photo: Justus Zimmerly

9. Captain Go-For-It doesn’t really have the skills, but people are watching so he’s gonna go big off the kicker and hope for the best. Usually a good guy to film, this guy tends to slam pretty righteously.

10. The Girlfriend only came to the outlaw race because her boyfriend dragged her there. She’s been getting ogled by eighth graders all day and can’t wait to go home.

11. The Girl Skater has clearly only been riding for three weeks, but she’s stoked because the boys in the longboard club are all very nice to her.

12. The Girl Ripper is pissed that everyone thinks she’s some kind of skater dater, so she’s throwing down extra hard to prove a point.

13. No matter how old you are, the Little Shredder is half your age and twice as good as you. He makes you want to quit skateboarding.

14. The Skate Jock is very focused on winning this event. He is drinking an energy drink, eating a banana, and not wearing a shirt.

15. The Stoners have longboards, but they’re mainly there for the safety meeting.

16. The Old Guy used to skate vert in the Eighties, but his knees can’t take it any more. His skills are modest, his moustache is savage and he is stoked to be out on the hill instead of home with the wife.

17. The Gear Enthusiast has a $1500 setup that he’s only riding badly because he’s getting used to his new precision trucks, which are totally different from the last five sets. Hate on him all you want, but he’s the guy that sold you those almost-new wheels for half of retail.

18. Janky-ass Setup Guy‘s gear is completely nonsensical, but he’s busting huge slides on four different wheels, two different trucks and a drop-through Evo so I guess it’s working out for him.

19. The Silverfish Kids are all hanging out together, enjoying their inside jokes and enduring the sunlight until they can get back to their computers.

20. Dad gave in and drove the boys to the slide jam. He can’t figure out what’s so cool about this whole thing, but he knows his kids are going to ask him for a bunch of expensive gear next week.

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  1. Brian Jacob Davenport

    Nice work up Max! Very informative, I think I want to be the little shredder, or the drunk at the next slide jam… It will depend on how fresh my grip tape is, obviously, and wether or not I've broken in my new trucks. But I'll probably end being a 7… bummer…

  2. Steve Francis Kong

    max, I love you but you're forgetting one more thing….

    21. That one techslider who's bitter about everyone riding soft wheels (i.e. me)


  3. Jayden Mitchell

    Haha As soon as I started reading this I knew this was something Dubs had put together!

  4. Marik Shnitman

    טוב שהזכרת לי. אני חייב לכן תמונות מהיום ההוא שהייתי באשקלון חחחח

  5. Kevin McGuinness

    I guess I'm the guy that used to skate vert in the 80s but the knees can't take it anymore!

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